Director Michael Bay seems to be taunting his haters at this point, employing all of those things that sicken his detractors, and cranking everything up to despicably disgusting levels. It’s as if, with this movie, the director is saying, “I’m Michael Bay, and now I’m going to get away with cinematic murder! You will buy the toys…you will swill Bud Light out of those wacky blue aluminum things…you will shell out for the IMAX…you will leer along with me at this girl’s ass in slow motion…I…AM…MICHAEL…BAY!”
Replacing Shia LaBeouf, who was too busy pinching ass and pouring drinks on patrons at a Battle Creek, Michigan high school production of Fiddler on the Roof to participate, would be Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg plays Cade Yeager, a crazy robot inventor living on a farm with his smoking hot daughter, Tessa (Nicola Peltz). After inadvertently buying Optimus Prime from an old guy at an abandoned movie theater (Yep!) Yeager and his daughter wind up fighting alongside the Autobots as they battle an evil race of American made Autobot clones courtesy of a Steve Jobs like mogul (Stanley Tucci). The movie is a billion hours long, and none of those hours are ever any good. Some of the visuals pop, but you won’t care because you will be glazed over by the time most of the big action kicks up. Bay is telling us that this is the first in a new trilogy. If you should choose to see part one, make sure all of your bills are paid, the dogs are fed, and you’ve winter-proofed your house before you sit down, because you aren’t getting out of that theater for a very long time.