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The Nearly Last Words of J.M. Smith 

Our current cannabis columnist takes his last gasps

Editor's note (well, not really, but go with it): We regret to inform you that J.M. Smith was discovered earlier this week, lying motionless in a pool of his own blood, vomit and urine, gripping an iPhone 4s (thank God for Siri) after he sent us a text.

He was able to communicate, using only his eyes, that a known cannabis hater had cast a particularly vicious aspersion, striking him in the right temple and rendering him paralyzed from the eyeballs down. He is on a ventilator in an undisclosed location, clinging to life, unable to even breathe for himself, with good friend former Vice President Dick Cheney by his side.

Using software developed by Google and the National Security Administration (under Bush), Mr. Smith was able to blink out the following column. Pray for him (to live or die, your choice).

It's ironic that I'm lying here with this ridiculous piece of titanium strapped to my face, forcing Dick Cheney to wipe my ass and pump gruel into a feeding tube, while the very cannabis haters who put me here (figuratively speaking) are going down in flames across Arizona and the nation.

Not even two weeks ago, a judge spanked Maricopa County Attorney Bill Montgomery in a lawsuit over extracts, clearing the way for patients to use cannabis in the forms they need. Then a few days after that, the esteemed Supreme Court of the United States, the real supreme court, the one that's actually supreme, issued a non-ruling that stings the sheriff in Yuma.

Back in 2011, California resident Valerie Okun came through the border checkpoint on Interstate 8 near Yuma on her way to Arizona. She was caught with some meds, and promptly produced a California medical card, which made her cannabis state-legal in both states. But federal law being federal law and all, the Border Patrol took her cannabis and called the sheriff's department.

Because Arizona recognizes out-of-state cards, the sheriff's department let her go. So far, so good, but then things got ugly. Yuma County Sheriff Leon Wilmot, an apparent cannabis hater, then argued that state law prevented him from giving back her legal medication, so he didn't. He decided to spend your money on a legal battle, and the case went to court.

After a superior court ruled in Okun's favor, the good sheriff still refused to return her meds and spent some more of your hard-earned cash on an appeal. Yeah, you're still wrong, Sheriff Leon, said the Arizona Court of Appeals. You lose. So Leon reached out his arms and swept another pile of your cash together on his desk for the Arizona Supreme Court. Nope. Okun 3, Leon 0.

But the long arms of the Arizona law can sweep together a lot of piles of your cash, if they want to, so the sheriff did just that. He took the case all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court for an appeal.

*crickets*

The highest court in the land refused to revisit the lower courts' rulings, which is a victory in name only for Okun, who still doesn't have her meds back. And the story isn't even over. Sheriff Leon is eyeing your money again, mulling more ways to use it against you and Valerie Okun. He isn't sure what he's going to do, according to at least one report.

I have an idea. Why don't you comply with the several judges' rulings and return Valerie Okun's meds? Why not give up your taxpayer-funded fight over senseless state laws that fly in the face of the voters' wishes? Why not do the right thing, Sheriff Leon?

Hmmm?

More by J.M. Smith

  • R.I.P., J.M.

    The hypocrisy of America's cannabis policy finally does our writer in
    • May 15, 2014
  • Donation Dilemmas

    When cannabis is illegal, reasonable people turn to Craigslist and shady disclaimers
    • May 8, 2014
  • The End Is Near

    Mr. Smith reflects on the life of his caretaker as he rages against the dying of the light
    • May 1, 2014
  • More »

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