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Schlitzophrenia 

Schlitzophrenics are most comfortable in the society of other schlitzophrenics, and will seek out a variety of public houses, sporting events, pool halls, musical performances and other festive venues where their outbursts and eccentricities are less likely to offend, and may even be encouraged. The true schlitzophrenic possesses an amicable nature and derives great pleasure from just about any form of stimulus, from a competitive game of billiards or darts to staring off into the colored stage lights to count dust particles. This "alpha" state is usually indicated by the presence of a steady, lopsided grin, far-away eyes and perhaps light drooling.

Acute symptoms include extreme devotion to new ideologies, strangers of the opposite sex, and/or a particular pint glass; stumbling; the public impulse to take off one's clothes (or someone else's); wild gesticulations; slurred and/or amplified speech; increased appetite; and philosophical conversations with inanimate objects.

Those suffering an attack should be relieved immediately of access to all forms of fire, bodies of water, sharp objects and machinery of any kind (including but not limited to automobiles, motorcycles, bicycles, firearms and vending machines).

The ingestion of liquids such as water, coffee and grease from food items such as pizza, tater tots and cheeseburgers is a common and trusted folk remedy; but the only proven cure is post-esophageal narcosis, or "sleeping it off." Upon waking, the patient will again feel like himself -- though he may need help remembering where he is, what he is called, and where he has parked his machinery.

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