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If you can't read or do the math, you can still get out and vote. Ya got an opinion, doncha?

The election is finally upon us. In just a few days, we'll know whether George W. Bush (whose foreign policy apparently consists of holding on to his dad's shirttails) has any coattails of his own. Will his smarmy brother Jeb manage to hold on to the governor's mansion in Florida? Will the Dems take control of Congress? What will they do in Minnesota after the shocking death of Paul Wellstone? And how many people in Washington, D.C., will take one look at Raúl Grijalva and think to themselves, "Oh my God, they sent us the Cisco Kid."

With all due respect to the Libertarians and Dick Mahoney (which, quite frankly, isn't all that much), at least this time there isn't a third-party candidate who's going to screw things up like Ralph Nader did in 2000. I have a friend who bristles at that notion. Every time I say that his vote for Nader stuck us with the dim bulb in the White House, my friend, despite being a vegan Baha'i pacifist who likes Richard Gere movies, threatens to "rearrange my furniture." I guess that's veganspeak for "kick my ass."

Or maybe he really wants to rearrange my furniture in some weird, Christopher Lowell kinda way.

He might have been voting for Nader, but the end result was that it cost Gore the election.

I've been looking over the sample ballot and one of my favorite things in it is where it says, "Anyone who is either physically or visually impaired or WHO IS UNABLE TO READ or understand (the ballot) ... " can have someone accompany them into the voting booth for assistance. What does having the letters bold-faced and in all caps somehow make it easier to read for that person WHO IS UNABLE TO READ?

I hope everybody gets out and votes. But be careful how you do it. For example, if you vote:

· FOR Matt Salmon, make sure that you make a note that you're voting for the human Matt Salmon, not the plastic version that has been seen in public lately, the one that got waxed by Janet Napolitano in the televised debate.

I'm not a huge Salmon fan by any stretch of the imagination, but compared to the other stiffs who represent Arizona in Congress, (Hayworth, Kolbe, Pastor, et al), he's a decent enough guy. He got swept into office during that fraudulent Contract on America nonsense in 1994 but then he actually kept his word about only staying for three terms. Of course, it was a calculated move so that he'd have two full years to run for governor, but that doesn't matter. A lot of people promise to stay in Congress only a short while and then get hooked on that Beltway juice.

His campaign has been an unmitigated disaster. He has somehow managed to squander time, money, momentum and even two visits from the Regime Changer-in-Chief. And whoever "prepared" him for the debate last week pretty much led him to the slaughter. Here's a tip for you, Mr. Salmon, if you ever decide to run for office again: You can't start off every answer with, "I have a wife and four kids (Wink, wink)." We get it! You're married and Napolitano isn't. The only thing is, nobody really gives a crap about that.

· FOR Prop. 201 without there being an exchange of cash, merchandise, and/or bodily fluids, you're an imbecile! The backers of this piece of crud have set a new world's record for the number of lies in a 30-second spot and Arizonans don't seem to be buying any of it.

Every time that pissant Joe Arizona character opens his mouth and screams "Do the math!," toilets flush all over town. And then he says that it's good for Indians. Exactly how is taking money out of somebody's pocket good for them? Do the paternalistic racetrack owners think that the Indians have been poor for so long, they won't know how to spend the money?

I'd like to do my part to ease the tensions here. If the track owners would just give up the greedy attempt to take what is not theirs, I think I can convince all of the Indian tribes to promise that they'll never hold a dog race on the reservation.

· AGAINST 103, 300 and 400, you're a kid hater who thinks that charter schools are actually working, that private schools should be subsidized by tax revenues, and that home schooling is a really nifty idea. Don't be a cheap sucker.

· FOR Andrew Thomas for Attorney General, make sure your formal sheet is cleaned and pressed. We hear that his people promise that at the victory party, the music won't have any of those dreadful Negro or Latin rhythms. Just good American stuff, like Debby Boone.

· FOR Prop. 203, you're a pothead. You're not a Libertarian; you don't really care about people with glaucoma; and if they emptied the jails of all the drug offenders, you wouldn't exactly welcome those people into your neighborhood with open arms. You're a step-and-a-half away from becoming Snoop Dogg, except without all that money with which to hire lawyers and bail bondsmen.

The term "medical marijuana" has to be the biggest crock of diarrhea this side of "clean elections." THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, can be effectively delivered into the system in pill form and there are many other painkillers that work just as well.

You were young and stupid when you smoked that junk in college, but smoking it now makes you old and stupid, and that's a bad combination. You just want to get high like Randy Moss and run over traffic workers. What a noble cause.

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