Police Dispatch 

I'm too Sexy for this Jail

Foothills Area

Jan. 9, 5 p.m.

An intoxicated woman in classy clothing almost burned down her brother's luxury home, causing extensive damage with graffiti she called "art" and later claiming she'd been arrested because she was too attractive, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

Sheriff's deputies smelled fire as soon as they arrived outside the reportee's house; upon entering the smoke-filled residence, they saw that something on the stove had caught fire, and there was soot surrounding the house's luxurious living-room fireplace, whose flue had been purposefully left closed while it was in use. The fireplace, all charred by heat damage, contained the blackened remains of two logs, a box of baking powder, burned cloth, a Heineken beer bottle and a matchbook. Above the fireplace, the word "JUSTICE" had been finger-traced in a particularly thick soot layer.

Other words were scrawled all over the living room's walls, furniture, and appliances with a permanent marker, and a large flat-screen TV had been badly damaged—along with a bedroom door that had been violently kicked in, and items and furniture that had been thrown around and/or overturned. On the couch sat the homeowner's sister, wearing nice clothes and rhinestone-studded headphones—but with black markings covering her face. She was casually drinking a beer (and obviously drunk). Deputies later learned she had a stun gun inside the Louis Vitton purse beside her.

Her brother said she'd randomly arrived earlier threatening to burn down his house and proceeded to throw things, yell and cause more destruction, assessed at $2,000. She told deputies the damage was "art."

Deputies handcuffed her and led her outside to find even more "art" in the garage area, where black paint was poured all over the driveway, walkway, garage door and even the subject's own car, a white Lexus. Above the garage she'd painted the word "FUCKED."

The subject—who clearly hated the male deputies dealing with her—mandated that a female deputy be called to the scene, especially since she needed a female to search her bra, where she said she carried things. She seemed to greatly appreciate it when a woman deputy showed up and was appointed to drive her to jail. (And indeed, in her bra was found a car key, two magnets, two IDs and a lighter.)

The subject talked to herself on the way to jail, reading road signs and license plates and laughing, though at one point she also gave a "bloodcurdling scream." At the jail, she told the female deputy she also wanted to be an officer, and that "men cannot take care of business the way that the females can."

Arriving in the booking area, she again began laughing loudly and told all the other arrestees that she was there for being "too sexy." She was booked on arson and domestic-disturbance charges.

More by Anna Mirocha

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