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COULD'VE BEEN WORSE IF HE HAD UNDERSTOOD

NORTH LA CHOLLA BOULEVARD AUG. 16, 4:02 A.M.

A man getting off drugs went berserk in the hospital when he misheard and/or misunderstood the word "catheter," a Pima County Sheriff's Department report stated.

Sheriff's deputies responded to Northwest Hospital, 6200 N. La Cholla Blvd.,where a 24-year-old male was reportedly getting unruly. Apparently this man had been admitted earlier to detox from drugs, but he'd been discharged unwillingly, so (according to a reporting nurse) he'd come back saying he wanted to hurt himself in order to be kept at the hospital.

The nurse told deputies that when the man returned, the nurse had followed all usual procedures and told the man he'd need to provide a urine sample, which he refused to do. The nurse then reportedly told him "he needed to pee" or else the nurses were going to have to "cath" him—meaning use a catheter.

At that point, the subject reportedly erupted, saying to the nurse: "You're going to cap me? I'll pop a cap in you. ... I'll fucking cap you."

When deputies asked the subject what was going on, "he stated something to the effect of: 'Everything.' "

He denied threatening to "cap" the nurse but said he had threatened to hurt himself (actually, to shoot himself).

He was jailed on warrants for multiple previous charges. When deputies found he possessed a pen obviously altered for the use of smoking drugs, he simply said "he likes to write." When they found a knife tipped with apparent drug residue, he said he used it "to burn the rubber on his shoes to help repair them."

The man got an additional drug-paraphernalia charge and was put on suicide watch (since he'd threatened to "cap" himself).

PERHAPS THEIR "GOLDEN" ANNIVERSARY

FOOTHILLS AREA AUG. 13, 4:05 A.M.

When a couple was caught blasting music from a car and drinking forties of cheap malt liquor, they said they were celebrating their anniversary, according to a PCSD report.

Deputies drove to a north-side neighborhood after one complaint regarding excessively loud music, and another alleging that a neighborhood man had been standing in his yard "yelling at the top of his lungs"—specifically, "I can do whatever the fuck I want!"

Deputies found the man in his driveway sitting with a woman in a sedan, which was blaring music with all four doors open. Both subjects were blatantly drinking 40-ounce bottles of Mickey's malt liquor (with another bottle on the floorboard).

While the man was being arrested for excessive noise, the woman explained that he was her boyfriend, and this was their anniversary celebration. Since it was about 4 a.m., it's unclear whether their anniversary had been the day before or they were starting the festivities (very) early.

More by Anna Mirocha

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