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GOING UNDERGROUND

GREEN VALLEY

MARCH 9, 3:05 P.M.

A man who interrupted the retirement ceremony for a Green Valley firefighter by screaming obscenities and touching the wife and child of one of the fire station employees temporarily fled the scene by crawling through a storm drain, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

Firefighters told deputies that when they ordered the man to leave, he started disturbing people in nearby homes. One family said the man began pacing across their front yard while continuing to curse loudly.

Despite being told to stay away from the fire station, the man returned and began harassing employees, telling a paramedic that he hated "the fucking police and the fucking firefighters" and "all the fucking idiots." When the paramedic left to respond to a call, he screamed that he would "come back and take care of her later if she was good," the report said.

Shortly after that, the man ran to a nearby drainage ditch and crawled through a storm drain.

Deputies found him in the drain and coaxed him above ground, where he started calling them "pussies" and telling them to "fuck off," and that he hated "the fucking police."

Then he calmed down and started discussing music with one of the deputies. However, that was soon followed by another burst of blasphemy, with him telling the same deputy to "violate yourself with a 6-foot-long black dildo."

Seeming pleased with himself, the man informed deputies that he'd found his marijuana pipe, which he'd apparently lost in the storm drain. When he showed off the pipe, they confiscated it. Then they took him to jail.

PASSED OUT PAST HIS BEDTIME

SAN XAVIER BEAT

MARCH 16, 4:03 A.M.

A man who had too much to drink at a bachelor party fell asleep in the drive-through line of an all-night fast-food joint and had to be roused by deputies and paramedics, a PCSD report said.

Burger King staffers discovered the man passed out in his car in the drive-through line just before 4 a.m.

Deputies arrived with paramedics, one of whom entered the car to rouse the man while a deputy reached into the still-running car and removed the key from the ignition. The man nearly hit the paramedic as he flailed his arms as he woke up.

After being ordered out of the vehicle, the man, who was slurring heavily, admitted to recently drinking "large amounts of alcohol" at a nearby strip-club bachelor party. Deputies arrested him.

More by Anna Mirocha

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