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BUT HE DOES BANG—ON DOORS

SAN XAVIER BEATMARCH 10, 2:47 A.M.

A bleeding, blabbering drunk forced his way into a woman's home after claiming he was being pursued by gangbangers, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

The woman called 911 to report the man, who had been banging loudly on her door. When deputies arrived at the home, they found the man on the floor, still bleeding and sobbing with increasing intensity.

After deputies took him outside to interview him, the man admitted that he'd been drinking and told the deputies he had been walking home when gangbangers assaulted him because he told them he didn't "bang."

Deputies attempted to get more information but couldn't understand his drunken sniveling. They were finally able to contact his mother, who agreed to pick him up. Meanwhile, the man kept saying, "I don't deserve this!" and accused himself out loud of "crying like a little bitch."

Then he turned against the deputies, saying they were "the worst cops ever."

As his mother drove him away, the man shouted at deputies, "I'm gonna see you again."

UNHINGED

FOOTHILLS AREAFEB. 12, 6:25 P.M.

A foul-mouthed man invited injury from dogs and mockery from a family whose home he'd disturbed and damaged, a PCSD report said.

The victims—a husband and wife who lived with their daughter and numerous dogs—told deputies he'd burst in on them that evening, apparently seeking their daughter (with whom he may have had romantic ties). They told the deputies they were embarrassed, yet amused, by having to repeat some of the names he called them, including "bitch" and "cunt." The husband said the man called him "a piece of shit with eyes."

The man also reportedly chased the husband into the master bedroom, knocking the door off one of its hinges. The husband said he retreated beneath a blanket while the man invited him to fight and said, "We're going to go to jail!"

But the man's extremely rude behavior didn't go over well with the dogs, who attacked the man until the couple pulled them off.

Deputies found the man at a nearby convenience store, intoxicated and covered in blood from the dog bites. He asked the deputies to take him back to the couple's house because he'd left his phone there. Instead, deputies took him to jail, where the man may have thought he could give up his nicotine habit. On the way, he asked that deputies get rid of his e-cigarette.

More by Anna Mirocha

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