A drunken man tries to headbutt his way out of a patrol car ... never bring a fork to a pipe fight?

Police Dispatch 

USING YOUR HEAD

NOV. 12, 2:37 P.M.

FOOTHILLS AREA

A man caught shoplifting at a Walmart attempted to head-butt his way out of a patrol car, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A Walmart employee reportedly witnessed the man shove a gray beanie, gloves, a knife and a lantern into his clothing before purchasing a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli.

When the man was detained at the store, he initially denied the employee's claims but later surrendered the items, along with a pack of batteries, and said, "Well, here is your shit. Let me go." The man told deputies he lived in the desert and that the items were for a little girl who was hungry. Deputies handcuffed the man, who smelled strongly of alcohol, and placed him in their patrol car.

The man began kicking at the windows and stated that he was mad and was going to break them. A deputy then secured his legs, although the man said the restraints wouldn't do any good, because he could get out of them.

A few minutes later, a loud noise from the patrol car interrupted the deputies' investigation: The man had begun slamming his head and shoulders against a window. He told deputies he had broken patrol-car windows on other occasions. Deputies then also restrained his arms.

The man was booked into jail on suspicion of shoplifting. The total cost of the items was $54.79.


BARBECUE-FORK BRAWL

NOV. 16, 6:18 P.M.

FOOTHILLS AREA

A dispute over money sparked a scuffle between a man armed with a pipe, and another man who allegedly wielded a barbecue fork, according to a PCSD report.

A woman who called authorities at first said that someone had been stabbed with a pitchfork, but deputies determined the tool she was referring to was actually a barbecue fork.

According to the woman, she saw a man named "Bones" fighting in the dirt with another man. When she approached, they split up and headed in different directions.

Deputies found a metal pipe in the front yard of a neighbor's trailer. A man who emerged from the trailer had visible injuries to his left eye, and his right arm was in a cast. He told deputies a motorcycle had run over him the previous day.

The man said the pipe appeared in his front yard after he heard two people arguing about $120 and then fighting. The man said he noticed the color of the fighters' shirts—red and green—as they ran away, but could recall no other details.

The deputies could find no other evidence.

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