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KISSING THE CLERK

NORTH ORACLE ROAD, MAY 24, 3:19 A.M.

A customer made an unwelcome but gentlemanly advance on a convenience-store employee, according to a Pima County Sherriff's Department report.

A clerk at a Circle K told deputies that around 1:30 a.m., she'd been working alone when in came a male with dirty blond hair that was "like a Mohawk, but was laying down." He had a pierced lip, a goatee and was wearing purple shorts, flip-flops and a faded Nine Inch Nails T-shirt. He bought a pack of cigarettes.

He re-entered at about 2:50 a.m., she said, telling her, "You're really pretty, and I came back to talk to you." She was friendly to him, as she is to all her of customers, she said—but while she was making coffee, he reportedly grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it. She said she commanded him to leave the store and told him, "I'm getting creeped out; I'm going to call the fucking cops."

Deputies weren't able to identify or locate the hand-kisser at the time of the report.


CONSPIRACIES EVERYWHERE

ARIVACA, MAY 23, 10 P.M.

Three people had odd ideas about occurrences at an elderly woman's property, a PCSD report stated.

A deputy talked on the telephone to an older woman in Arivaca who sounded frantic and said her phone lines had been cut. She said that "radio waves are damaging her and making her sick," and then went on to describe a conspiracy in which the KKK was trying to hurt liberals in her area.

When the deputy got the woman's daughter on the line, the daughter repeated the mother's claims that radio waves were making her mother sick. The Saturday night before, when she visited her mother, the daughter said, some people were on the property with some kind of device that was harming her mother.

When deputies went to the mother's trailer (whose windows were covered in foil), they were met by a male friend, who told them not to use flashlights or anything with a digital screen, because those things would emit some kind of harmful radiation. He said they had to meet a list of criteria in order to visit the reportee, such as not having any "airborne bugs" and not wearing watches with digital screens.

After agreeing to meet the deputies, the reportee said that not only had her phone lines been cut, but her horse had been burned with chemicals. The mother reportedly thought that a neighbor had cut her telephone lines. But the neighbor denied involvement and said he had to help the reportee with her lines previously when javelinas had chewed through them.

More by Anna Mirocha

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