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GLUTEUS MAXIMIZED

SOUTH KINNEY ROAD

Dec. 24, 4:08 p.m.

An alleged shoplifter repeatedly mooned law enforcement after she was apprehended, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A Circle K employee reported that a woman in a pink T-shirt had come in and grabbed some soap, cookies and two bottles of pink zinfandel wine. She reportedly walked toward the register and then pretended to see something outside, exited the building (with the merchandise), got in a red Grand Am and sat inside, remaining in the parking lot.

Deputies found her still inside the vehicle—and near a marijuana pipe. She was apparently rather intoxicated. After being handcuffed and placed in a patrol vehicle, she began spitting before reclining on the seat and screaming that "she did not want a fucking paramedic, that she was fine and a great mother."

A deputy left her alone for about 30 seconds, and then found her on the vehicle's floorboard—with her pants and underwear around her ankles. When he assisted her in pulling her pants up, she thanked him and kept saying, "Ooh baby, please let me go. Ooh baby, please let me go."

The deputy said he would appreciate it if she would keep her pants on, but by the time they arrived at the jail, she'd again removed her pants and underwear. She was placed in a restraint chair during booking to keep her clothed.


UNHAPPY ON HOLLADAY

SOUTH BONNEY AVENUE

Dec. 25, 2:45 p.m.

An alleged methamphetamine addict had a bad Christmas after she didn't get what she wanted, a PCSD report stated.

Deputies responded to a fight at a trailer, where a man said a female acquaintance had come over and asked for a Christmas drink. She drank his half-full bottle of 6-month-old liquor, he said, and declared it wasn't enough.

She then reportedly requested a narcotic to inject; the man believed she wanted crystal methamphetamine. When the man refused, the woman allegedly began screaming and throwing things, and then went outside and knocked things over. The man said she slapped him and then fled.

The trailer-park owner said he saw her throwing things, screaming and tearing her clothing off. He said he'd last seen her heading toward a property on East Holladay Street.

Deputies found the subject—wearing only a string bikini—at that property. Most of her statements reportedly didn't make sense, but she admitted to frequent meth use and being drunk. She explained her bikini-clad state by saying she and the person whose trailer she'd allegedly trashed had been "getting freaky."

She was arrested.

More by Anna Mirocha

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