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NO PROPERTY, NO PROPRIETY

SOUTHWEST SIDE
OCT. 26, 11:05 P.M.

A drunk man revealed delusions about his land holdings, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

Deputies responded to a call about a suspicious person walking around a southwest-side neighborhood and screaming. They found a man, with long white hair, sitting on his father's property with his pants down.

Evidently intoxicated, the man was yelling at his father that he, himself, owned the property, "When my father died, he gave this property to me," he yelled to deputies (with his father—alive—nearby). "I own this whole block. ... I own 800,000 acres. ... I own that uniform you're wearing."

Asked to pull up his pants, he told deputies, "Fuck you." The subject was belligerent en route to jail, whooping, singing and spitting.

At the jail, he refused to answer questions, saying, "I'm General Garcia; General Garcia is in the house!"

He told one deputy, "Don't fucking push me," followed by, "Push me again; push me again!" He then hit himself with his right hand.

He was booked for domestic violence and disorderly conduct.


THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS

NORTH ROMERO ROAD
OCT. 25, 9:09 A.M.

A shoplifter explained his crime by voicing a sense of entitlement, a PCSD report stated.

Deputies responded to a Circle K; the clerk said a man had casually retrieved a 24-ounce coffee and left the store without paying. He then allegedly returned and did the same with a soda.

Deputies found the subject standing outside with a coffee nearby. When asked why he hadn't paid, he said he deserved the items. He said the government should pay his bills, because he was a hard worker, he'd never "done a mean thing" and he never harmed animals.

He was arrested.


GREAT PRETENDER

UA AREA
NOV. 12, 2:27 A.M.

A young college student pretended to be a cop, according to a UA Police Department report.

Officers met with a woman who said her boyfriend had taken her cell phone and threatened to hit her because he thought she was "texting other boys."

Previously, she said, he'd threatened to "get all her friends together and shoot them" and her family. She said he usually carried a firearm and claimed to be a 22-year-old Phoenix police officer.

The subject—underage—said that he told people he was 22 because he "wanted to be older."

Officers recommended a restraining order.

More by Anna Mirocha

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