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POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDE INSANITY

WEST MEXICO STREET

OCT. 3, 5:35 A.M.

After making a violent scene, a self-declared crack-smoker said she used the drug on doctor’s orders, a Pima County Sheriff’s Department report stated.

Deputies went to the house after someone called to report that a female resident was knocking down doors and blaming housemates for poisoning her food. The same thing had happened yesterday, the caller said, noting that the subject was now wielding a knife.

Upon arriving, deputies readied a gun and a Taser, and cornered the subject in the bathroom, arresting her upon exit. She explained that her behavior was a response to watching her landlord put his cigarette ashes into her bird’s food and her cashew nuts. She said she’d gotten upset and yelled at him, and that she had merely been knocking on his door—despite deputies informing her that she’d reportedly been beating on doors in the house so hard that she almost knocked them down.

One deputy approached the subject with a glass pipe he found filled with black residue, and he asked the subject what it was. The subject replied without hesitation, “That is my crack pipe. I use it for smoking crack, and so does everybody else.” The subject then declared she had a prescription to smoke crack.

No cigarette ashes were found in or near the woman’s bird food. Ashes were found in her cashews, as was a cigarette butt, but the cigarette appeared to be the kind that the subject smoked herself.

The woman was arrested for disorderly conduct and possession of drug paraphernalia.


IT’S JUST KETCHUP

WEST RIVER ROAD

OCT. 3, 9:35 A.M.

A young man apparently fainted and fell into his fast food, according to a PCSD report.

In response to a “man down” call, deputies arrived at a northwest-side Burger King, where a man had reportedly placed an order and then “passed out in his food.” He had allegedly been asked to leave, at which point he collapsed.

When deputies arrived, paramedics were examining the dazed-looking 20-year-old. His hands, forearms, hair and forehead were covered in a red substance; the reporting deputy first thought this might be blood. However, the deputy later realized it was ketchup.

The man said he didn’t remember how he arrived at the Burger King, but that he had no medical problems. Paramedics’ findings supported the latter claim.

He was arrested on a previous warrant issued for underage drinking. A marijuana pipe and four large, melted chocolate candy bars were found in his pockets.

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