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TOO DRUNK TO HURT

NORTH KAIN AVENUE

JULY 16, 8:18 A.M.

A man woke up after a night of heavy drinking to major injuries he did not remember getting, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

Deputies found the reportee in his trailer—and apparently still drunk. He told a nonlinear story about getting "hammered" the night before at his neighbor's trailer and being attacked by that neighbor.

That morning, he said, his wife awakened him and informed him that he had a massive gash across his stomach. He also had a large cut on his arm.

When deputies met with the neighbor, he also seemed intoxicated. After attempting to interview him, they assured him that neither party would be arrested. "Thanks for all your fucking help," the subject said sarcastically. Detectives were scheduled to follow up when he was sober.


LATTER-DAY PREY

WEST NEBRASKA STREET

JULY 18, 12:02 P.M.

Two trusting Mormon missionaries were robbed while trying to convert residents on the southside, a PCSD report said.

The reporting deputy met with the victims, who wore dress shirts and black ties. They reported that they had been knocking on doors and had left their bikes unlocked by a street sign. Later that day, they were surprised to find the bikes missing.

As they were looking for their property, a man drove up, asked them if they were missing their bikes and said he could get them new ones—since he happened to sell bikes out of a nearby trailer park. He reportedly said he regrettably he did not have his business cards with him.

The victims did not know the serial numbers of their bikes; however, one could be identified by a license plate reading "Elder."


CONSPIRACY REVEALED

UA AREA

AUG. 1, 1:07 P.M.

A man telephoned a University of Arizona staff member with some strange warnings, a UAPD report stated.

The reportee said she had two bizarre messages on her home answering machine. In the first one, a male described a "national security emergency" surrounding "mind-control operations" ongoing at the UA involving MRI and radio-frequency techniques. The caller was apparently reading from a script.

During the second call, the caller said that the UA's vice president of graduate affairs was under the control of the Department of Defense. The caller identified himself as "Kevin" and left a phone number.

Officers called the man, who was indeed named Kevin, and he did not want to meet with officers, because he was afraid.

More by Anna Mirocha

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