Police Dispatch
by Saxon Burns
UA Area, Nov. 12, 3:01 p.m.
A man found one of his missing prosthetic legs dangling from the ceiling after awakening from a nearly 39-hour slumber, a University of Arizona Police Department report stated.
The man told authorities he was wearing his legs when he went to bed at 5:30 a.m. on Nov. 10. They were missing when he arose at 8 p.m. on Nov. 11.
It was not clear from the report why the man had been asleep for so long. The narrative was also vague about his living arrangements, but it appeared as if he was living in communal housing of some sort.
The man found one of his legs shoved into the ceiling in an upstairs room and the other in a bathtub.
One of the prosthetics had damage to the ankle and would need to be replaced, the report said. The estimated cost was $7,000 to $10,000.
There were no suspects or witnesses at the time of the report.
Fellatio For All
West Ina and North Oracle Roads, Nov. 4, 2:33 a.m.
An intoxicated man offered to give a female Walgreens employee and a male deputy lessons on how to "suck dicks," according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.
Robert Bruce, 43, had been harassing customers and pushing carts around in the store's parking lot, the employee told authorities.
She said she was offended by some of the things Bruce said, even though she had been a bartender for 30 years and had heard lots of profanity. He had allegedly called her a "cock-sucking bitch" after asking if she wanted pointers on oral sex.
Deputies interviewed other witnesses and then arrested Bruce on disorderly conduct charges. While being transported to the Pima County Adult Detention Center, he allegedly talked about "being hammered to trees" and threatened to urinate in the back of the patrol car.
Bruce, who was not wearing underwear, intentionally dropped his pants while he was being booked, according to a deputy. He also refused to sit down when instructed to do so, reportedly saying "he was waiting for a cocksucker."
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