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If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Acquit!

University Area, Aug. 14, 1:50 p.m.

A University of Arizona retiree allegedly threatened to sue over his dismissal--with the help of one of O.J. Simpson's famed attorneys, according to a record from the University of Arizona Police Department.

A current employee told a UAPD officer over the phone that he met the man at work, several months after he had retired. The man allegedly told him that he wanted to settle with the university for unjustly firing him. In addition, he claimed to have hired a "high-priced attorney" to help him with his case, according to the record.

When the employee pressed him for details about the attorney, the retiree reportedly declared that he'd hired Johnnie Cochran.

The man had a run-in with his superiors several years prior, when a co-worker alleged he was carrying a weapon on campus, the employee told authorities.

The officer advised all personnel to phone the police if the man was seen again at his former place of work.


Unlikely Suspects

East Benson Highway and South Kolb Road, Aug. 9, 5:42 a.m.

An elderly couple, one person on crutches and the other in hand braces, alleged that their neighbor has falsely accused them of setting his trailer on fire, a Pima County Sheriff's Department report said.

In addition, the husband and wife claimed the man, who deputies noted had piles of festering garbage in his yard, had been harassing them at night--usually around 9 p.m.

The couple alleged that he put a dead bird on their porch, placed glass and oil around their mailbox and sat in his car staring at them from just beyond their property, the report said.


I Can See Your Scrotum

West Valencia Road and South Camino de Oeste, Aug. 10, 7:43 p.m.

A bartender alleged that she got a full moon when she asked a rowdy man to leave, according to a PCSD report.

The bartender told a deputy that the strawberry-blond man was cussing at people and making derogatory remarks, the report said.

She claimed that after she told him and his father to leave, the man walked to the side door and dropped his pants to his ankles. He allegedly bent over, so that the bartender "could see his scrotum from that position," according to the report.

The man pulled up his pants and drove off in a maroon Grand Prix, the bartender told authorities.

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