Police Dispatch 

THE OLD MAN AND THE BIG PIPE

FOOTHILLS AREA

JUNE 2, 1:43 P.M.

An elderly male substantiated one petty senior stereotype—by driving poorly—but then shattered all others when he started a dangerous altercation using a large metal pipe against a younger man who'd dared criticize his driving—turning out to be one badass senior citizen after all, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

The victim, a north-side trailer-park resident, told a sheriff's deputy that earlier that day he'd seen a truck being driven erratically (almost hitting a cable box) before it was parked near his trailer. When a man in his 70s exited the vehicle, the reportee allegedly approached him to ask that he drive more carefully—and the old-timer responded by calling him a "fat ass " and further assailing him with loud profanity.

Then, the reportee said, the old man suddenly unveiled a large pipe and moved menacingly toward him, saying, "I'll get you!"

This wizened but decidedly un-feeble male had apparently been employed as the trailer park's air-conditioner repairman for the last 20–25 years.

Upon interview, the seasoned subject disclaimed having driven erratically—in fact, he said, he'd been "cautious." Though he did admit to entering a tiny tiff with the reportee—whom he boldly called a "fat ass" even to the deputy—he flatly denied wielding a pipe or even acting aggressive, insisting "he was doing his best to just kind of ignore (the reportee,) and if he wanted to threaten him, he would have gone and actually done something about it."

The patriarch then partially reversed his testimony, admitting it was possible he'd been holding a metal pipe while talking to the reportee, since he had a lot of tools and such things in his truck. The deputy did see multiple metal parts, including a plethora of pipes, inside the vehicle.

After a neighbor said she'd witnessed the geriatric's hijinks—saying he'd actually come at his younger victim holding the pipe above his head, essentially imperiling the reportee's life—the deputy cited the audacious elder for threats and intimidation. He said he'd be calling his lawyer.

POOP ON THE STOOP RINCON BEAT JUNE 14, 2:02 P.M.

Someone with access to a vast amount of animal feces apparently collected enough to completely cover the driveway and front walk of an unhappy homeowner, a PCSD report stated.

The victim met with deputies to show them the "large quantity of animal feces" coating her driveway and the sidewalk leading to it. She said this was the third time in a few weeks that she'd come home to find the front of her house in such a condition—though once, it had been worsened when someone apparently also left a dead snake among the poop by her door.

She asserted complete ignorance regarding possible suspects and said she'd consider a PCSD home-monitoring program.

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