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STEGEMAN REPLIES

Having practiced the dark arts for lo these many centuries, it was disconcerting to be finally unmasked by your able exorcist, David Safier ("Is Mark Stegeman using game theory to bend the TUSD Board to his will?" Guest Commentary, June 27). While not expecting men of faith to bind themselves to conventional rules of evidence, my vanity was naturally scratched by Safier's failure to elucidate for the wondering reader actual examples of my craft. I must unfortunately relinquish credit for the one instance he cites, because the somewhat cryptic December resolution adopted unanimously by the board was drafted by staff. (It was my subsequent clarifying resolution that unexpectedly failed, leading to apparently contradictory messages.)

Yet examples of my power are easy to find. Several weeks ago I wondered how to persuade the board to adopt staff's $300,000 marketing plan, an apparently insuperable task given its obvious absurdity. My ingenious strategy was to announce my opposition, relying on reverse psychology to get the rest of the board to approve it 4-1. Triumph! I similarly announced my opposition to the $1,000/day consulting contract, thereby deviously persuading the board to support it.

Safier may believe that he has pricked my power, but I demur. After centuries of trial, I have reached the peak of my Jedi-like control. I can apparently persuade the board to adopt anything, simply by supporting the opposite position!

Mark Stegeman (member, TUSD Governing Board)


HERE IS SOMEONE'S OPINION ABOUT FOOD

What ever happened to the good old days when the worst things we had to fear on the 4th of July were traffic jams and wayward fireworks?

According to the Department of Agriculture's Meat & Poultry Hotline, this year's top threat is food poisoning by nasty E. coli and Salmonella bugs lurking in hamburgers and hot dogs at millions of backyard barbecues. The Hotline's advice is to grill them longer and hotter. Of course, they don't bother to mention that the high-temperature grilling that kills the bugs also forms lots of cancer-causing compounds.

Luckily, a bunch of enterprising U.S. food manufacturers and processors have met this challenge head-on by developing a great variety of healthful, delicious, and convenient, veggie burgers and soy dogs.

These delicious plant-based foods don't harbor nasty pathogens or cancer-causing compounds. They don't even carry cholesterol, saturated fats, drugs, or pesticides. And, they are waiting for us in the frozen food section of our supermarket.

This 4th of July offers a great opportunity to declare our independence from the meat industry and to share wholesome veggie burgers and soy dogs with our family and friends.

Todd Dutterman


SELECTIONS FROM A SERIES OF TEXTS SENT TO OUR MAILBAG THIS WEEK

- Just between us writers / writers confidence: im writing some good material out here so kindly hush hush and crush their heads between thumb and forefinger.

- Alternatively yu may spload them up by sheer mental power of sitting with a smoke and staring at them for a long time. Your choice. Too many monkeys jumping on the bed man.

- Sun Tszu wrote The Art of Warfare. His distant cousin Sun Tran runs busses.

- Well Mister Tran theres nn way this Go Card will last 4 years. 6 months tops with luck.

- I SAID please ask God to stop being such a big dick to me. Theresb distinct problem of proportions here of the uh, dickness factor

- He can arrest you just by looking at you And make you feel very very very very very tiny Blow him a kiss Release my sEcReT faerie dust cloud Bye bye titanic aryan boogie man

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