Hyper and Sloppy 

You have to like a movie where Tony Shalhoub eats a taco blindfolded, right?

Michael Bay's latest, Pain & Gain, has all of that Michael Bay crap that makes him one of my least favorite directors.

Actually, that's an understatement ... I basically think Michael Bay is a satanic cinematic force, with most of his films sustaining an artistic level I shall equate to a sickened elephant farting in a circus tent that's been set aflame by dangerous clowns.

That said, he has actually made a few movies that I don't hate. My favorite Bay film would be Bad Boys II, in which he seemed to be poking fun at himself (that slo-mo tracking shot of a bullet passing through Martin Lawrence's ass is still the apex of Bay's career). I also liked his innocuous sci-fi offering, The Island, which actually featured edits more than a second long.

So I reluctantly admit to sort of liking Pain & Gain, mainly because Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne Johnson are a total crackup as two bodybuilders who take part in a kidnapping/extortion plot that actually happened. Yes, this messed-up movie is actually based on a true story, and it's remarkable how much of this insanity is accurate.

Wahlberg plays Daniel Lugo, a fitness instructor who is no doubt one of recent American criminal history's greatest stupid assholes. When Lugo feels like his life is in a rut, he hatches a plan to kidnap a wealthy gym member (Tony Shalhoub) and extort money from him. With two gym members (Anthony Mackie and Johnson) in tow, he goes through with it, and things quickly spiral out of control.

Bay uses the film to satirize the vapid '90s, with his lecherous camera lingering on many bikini-clad asses and boobs. Yes, we get plenty of Bay slo-mo and, of course, the below-the-chin-looking-up 360-degree tracking thing he loves so damned much. The edits are at breakneck speed and get a little tedious. At more than two hours, the movie is a bit too long, and yet somehow too fast at the same time.

Its saving grace is that much of it is quite funny in an over-the-top, outrageous kind of way. Just the sight of Wahlberg, Johnson and Mackie all swollen with extra pounds of muscle put on for the shoot is funny. At one point, Bay gets Wahlberg to strip down to his white Calvin Klein boxer briefs, a nice homage to the infamous advertising campaign.

As he did with Bad Boys II, Bay celebrates disgusting excess entertainingly, as long as he's shooting for laughs. No, we don't get a car chase with corpses spilling out of a truck and getting run over (Darn!), but we do get Shalhoub sloppily eating a taco while blindfolded (This somehow manages to be funny). We also get dogs with severed toes in their mouths, Rebel Wilson using nunchucks during a sex scene and a dude getting his head crushed by weights.

Wahlberg is too much fun when he does comedy, always playing it straight during the most outrageous of situations. Johnson plays his part as a big religious hulk who just wants to be a lover but can't help but beat the crap out of every other person he meets. This may be my favorite Johnson performance yet.

Is it sloppy? Yes. Is it way too hyper at times? Yes. Does Michael Bay commit many of the usual cinematic affronts that have made him hated by those of us who sometimes like to watch a movie without having our eyes and ears violated? Oh, hell yes.

Pain & Gain is OK, and is actually some sort of movie miracle when considering the dumbass who made it. Up next for Bay would be Transformers 4, of course. I'm thinking that film will once again remind us that Bay is a scourge on the land of cinema who only gets it right on the rarest of occasions.

Pain & Gain
Rated R · 129 minutes · 2013
Official Site: www.painandgainmovie.com
Director: Michael Bay
Producer: Donald De Line, Michael Bay, Ian Bryce, Matthew Cohan and Wendy Japhet
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Ed Harris, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub, Rob Corddry, Ken Jeong, Bar Paly and Rebel Wilson


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What others are saying (5)

The Coast Halifax Pain & Gain Dimwitted dudes with shiny muscles by Jacob Boon 04/25/2013
Creative Loafing Charlotte Pain & Gain: Penal dysfunction Rating: ** by Matt Brunson 04/26/2013
SF Weekly "Pain & Gain": Michael Bay Gets His T&A by Sherilyn Connelly 04/24/2013
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Portland Mercury Mostly Pain Pain & Gain: a premise worthy of the Coen bros., unfortunately it's by Michael Bay. by Paul Constant 04/24/2013
The North Coast Journal Weekly Michael Bay, Reconsidered The explosion-loving musclehead makes a personal movie, with explosions and muscles by John J. Bennett 05/02/2013

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