Guest Commentary 

In Dubya's own words, the Bush vocabulary: From A to (almost) Z

ALGORITHM: I think that's got something to do with waves, like when there's a new wave of environmental regulations proposed by Al Gore.

AUDIT: Obviously, this would be the highest cause of anxiety in our circle, maybe followed by divorce or Dick Cheney's untimely death.

BANK: This is a place--let's call it an institution, if you will--that processes government checks for the immediate transfer of wealth to the homeless, jobless and lazy.

BIG BUSINESS: Employer of the people. 'Nuff said.

BLACK HOLE: Don't know much about science, really, but I believe that's the place where money for poverty programs ends up.

CAMELOT: Don't know much about geographically, really, but I think that's a mythical sunken city, kinda like Atlantis. 'Cept it's found nearer Chappaquiddick than the mid-Atlantic.

CATCH 22: I liked the movie, although I didn't understand it. The relevance to me is that whatever the projected budget for a government program is, the actual cost always seems to be triple, for some reason. But you'd have to ask CIVICS: These are poor people who live in trailer parks and drive old Hondas.

CIVILIZATION: Got something to do with ancient Greece.

CLASS ENVY: Envy that occurs in people who don't have any class.

COMMUNIST: A socialist who goes to gun shows.

DEFICIT REDUCTION FORMULA: A formula with so much math in it that even Einstein couldn't figure it out, so why try?

DEFICIT SPENDING: The buying of American people's votes with money they haven't yet earned. Tragic, but unavoidable.

DEMOCRAT: Someone who is afraid you have more than him. Unless you're Kerry.

ENDANGERED SPECIES: We upper class, of course.

GLOBAL WARMING: This is the effect on the polar ice caps of increased carbon dioxide caused by the burning of oil fields by terrorists.

GREED: Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's a good thing.

GREENHOUSE EFFECT: The effect any prospect of spending more greenbacks has on members of the House.

HUMAN RIGHTS: The rights that liberals grant spotted owls on an equal basis with starving lumberjacks.

JOBLESS BENEFITS: Benefits for being jobless, I suppose.

LIBERAL: That's easy. It's a near-sighted person prescribing rose-colored glasses.

MEDICARE: A government agency which--correct me if I'm wrong--accepts a bill of $900 for a pack of Band-Aids.

MILITARY: The source of all our power and respect and glory. Unfortunately, it's also the only place the subversive elements in our society go in order to cut "waste."

MONEY: If it was a liquor, Ted Kennedy would go belly up, wouldn't he?

MULTICULTURALISM: A paradox of cooking where, ya know, some ingredient of the melting pot just refuses to mix. Like Jesse Jackson.

NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS: A taxpayer-financed agency that sponsors assorted nudists and wackos who could never make it on their own.

NATIONAL HEALTH CARE: A plan to make healthy people pay for everyone who smokes too much, drinks too much and watches Wheel of Fortune while pigging out on potato chips and pork rinds.

POLITICS: A shell game played by blind people betting with money that should be mine, my friend.

POVERTY: Just call it a crippling social disease that spreads to the immediate environment.

REPUBLICAN: A good fella, kinda like Nero was. Someone who stays at Caesar's Palace.

SEX: The one thing Bill Clinton might have taught me that I secretly wanted to learn.

SOCIAL SECURITY: Something to do with IOUs. Ask Dick here about that.

SUBSIDY: Something Uncle Sam gives you because you're too stupid to make it on your own.

TAX SHELTER: That's heaven, or as we Bush league boys like to call it, "haven."

More by Jonathan Lowe

  • Media Matters

    Will eBooks and audio books eventually replace print on paper?
    • Mar 10, 2011
  • Medium of Expression

    Pianist Cecile Licad returns to Tucson to play with the TSO
    • Feb 5, 2009
  • T Q&A

    Tucson Q&A with Scott Brick
    • Nov 8, 2007
  • More »


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Readers also liked…

  • Guest Opinion

    Modernism Week: A Golden Age for Whom?
    • Oct 22, 2015
  • Guest Opinion

    Regulatory capture and the Arizona Corporation Commission
    • Apr 23, 2015

The Range

Which TUSD Board Candidates Favor Closing More Schools?

There's a New I.E. in the TUSD Board Race

Stella Needs a Home

More »

Latest in Guest Commentary

  • Guest Opinion

    National Coming Out Day is still important in a world where full equality is needed for all LGBTQ
    • Oct 6, 2016
  • Guest Opinion

    Once again, political cowardice in the face of mass murders
    • Jun 23, 2016
  • More »

Most Commented On

Facebook Activity

© 2016 Tucson Weekly | 7225 Mona Lisa Rd. Ste. 125, Tucson AZ 85741 | (520) 797-4384 | Powered by Foundation