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Tom's taking the week off, so that racist rancher from Nevada is filling in

HELLO TUCSON:

This is Cliven Bundy, coming to you from Free America. You may have seen me on the news. I'm the one who stood up to the evil federal government and became a folk hero in the process.

That Tom Danehy fella who usually writes this column is off coaching some kids at a track meet. That's just one of the things that's wrong with this country. I understand that at those track meet things, not only do they allow the races to mix, but boys and girls also compete right next to each other, causing hormones to rage and ... excuse me, I need a glass of water.

I have 14 kids, y'know, and all that talk of hormones got me goin' there for a minute. I have one boy named Cliven Jr. and three others named Claven, after that genius man on the TV show Cheers. I named one Al after the genius man on that other TV show. And my final two sons are named Cloven because of that genetic malfunction that has been passed down over the generations. (Some people suggested that it has something to do with those atomic bomb tests back in the 1950s, but I assured them that it goes back way further than that.)

It is my understanding that this Danehy guy goes way off the liberal deep end on a regular basis. I personally think it's because he's half-Irish and half-Italian. He's the first green-eyed Italian that I ever saw. That kind of mongrel mix will drive anybody crazy from the inside out.

He said I could tell the people of Tucson my side of the story and they could decide the case on its merits. Danehy says that Tucsonans are, by and large, open-minded, except for somebody named Gabby Saucedo-Mercer. (I could be wrong, but that sounds like another race mixer to me.) He wanted me to state that while I am a kindred spirit of the late David Koresh, I should make it clear that I don't even like kids in that way. Whatever that means.

First off, I want you to know that I'm a really good American. I believe in the Constitution. I absolutely adore the Second Amendment. As a matter of fact, I'm disappointed that they didn't use the Third Amendment to put the Second Amendment ahead of the First Amendment. I think deep thoughts like that when I'm out on the open range watching my cows exercise their God-given right to graze on land that other ranchers are stupid enough to pay for. It doesn't matter that I was getting the use of the land for what amounts to 3 cents on the dollar. The federal government shouldn't even own land, except for maybe national parks and we have too many of those as it is.

I suppose I have to address the remarks I made to The New York Times. They twisted my meaning, even though the words were recorded. Here's exactly what I said:

"I want to tell you one more thing about the Negro. (I was in North Las Vegas once, driving past a public-housing project) and in front of that government house the door was usually open and the older people and the kids—and there is always at least a half a dozen people sitting on the porch—they didn't have nothing to do. They didn't have nothing for their kids to do. They didn't have nothing for their young girls to do.

"And because they were basically on government subsidy, so now what do they do? They abort their young children, they put their young men in jail because they never learned how to pick cotton. And I've often wondered, are they better off as slaves, picking cotton and having a family life and doing things, or are they better off under government subsidy? They didn't get no more freedom. They got less freedom."

I don't really know why, but for some reason, that riled people. I was just puttin' to words what most of the people I know think. I'm not all that big on politics, but I coulda sworn that was part of the Republican platform.

Anyway, my plain-spoken truth caused some of those Eastern liberals—like that Rand Paul fella—to go scurryin' away like the rats that they are. I don't know why they would have let that Paul guy in my Republican Party.

Some people have even called what I said "despicable." What they don't know is that it took me half my life to even learn how to say "Negro." The original word—I'm pretty sure it's in the Bible—comes out so much easier.

I've also been told that I won't be Sean Hannity's best friend anymore. Hannity is Irish; my sainted grandmother once told me that an Irishman is just a Negro turned inside out. I really don't think that's possible, but I did see in a movie called Galaxy Quest where they used a transporter to turn somebody inside out. What came out didn't look Irish or Negro.

Before I go, I want to thank all those Arizona legislators who came and stood with me and my armed posse. You've got some good, solid Republicans there in Phoenix. They hate communists and taxes and teachers. That's what makes America great.

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