As I was saying last week before I was so rudely interrupted by my own long-windedness and that pesky print-edition word count, I had gone to the northwest-side Costco right before Christmas to buy a few items. Having seen the apocalyptic movie This Is The End, I felt the need to buy two of those 80-packs of toilet paper. When the End Times come, toilet paper will be like currency.
As I was walking through the spiffy new parking lot (an experience that almost helped me forget the nightmares of navigating through that place during the construction), I noticed a couple of guys putting fliers on the windshields of all the vehicles in the lot. They were generic white guys. They didn't look like they belonged on an episode of Justified and my Spidey sense usually buzzes when I'm around those people who will wash my car for Jesus.
When I got out of the store, I took the thing off my windshield and put it in my car. (I don't ever litter, which, according to my interpretation of the Bible, will help get me into heaven.) Upon arriving at home, I spent an hour finding room in the garage for the toilet paper, then went back out to the car to get the rest of the stuff, which included a 5-gallon drum of Parmesan cheese (we are an Italian family) and a container of Tide with enough detergent in it to clean every uniform in the French Army (all that retreating can be dirty business). I also picked up the flier off the seat and took it into the house.
The headline said, "The Pope's Secrets." I had to read that; maybe he knows prayer shortcuts or something. But then the subhead said, "Are the IRS, U.S. Department of Labor, the Mafia and Labor Unions Part of the Vatican? Is the Pope the Super Boss of All Government Agencies As Well As the Vatican?" Wow, a 77-year-old guy from Argentina is the capo di tutti capi of the Bureau of Land Management and the NFL Players Association. He must be a bad mutha'—shut yo' mouth!
Obviously, I had to read on. I've been a Catholic all my life and sometimes the church makes me squeamish. I've apologized to all of my Jewish friends for any part I might have played in the Spanish Inquisition 500 years ago (just in case Shirley MacLaine is right and there is such a thing as reincarnation). I also believe that every priest who ever molested a kid should be in prison and alongside them should be every pastor, monsignor, bishop, cardinal and, yes, even a pope, who helped to cover up those atrocities.
But this flier was covering new ground for me. It was written by a guy named Tony Alamo. Actually, there are two parts to the flier. The second part deals with the fact that Mr. Alamo somehow ran afoul of the demonic United States Government and is currently a guest of said government at a barbed-wire-encrusted facility just south of the Tucson metropolitan area. I leave it to y'all to Google Mr. Alamo and judge for yourselves whether his incarceration is unjust.
I was more interested in the first part, which begins: "The Vatican is posing as Snow White, but the Bible says she is a prostitute, 'the great whore,' a cult (Rev. 19:2)." I went to that passage and, depending on the type of Bible, the perpetrator is either a "prostitute," a "great whore," a "Great Whore" (capitalized), or a "great harlot." (I prefer "great harlot"; it sounds more Bible-ish.) The transgressions committed by the Great Whatever are either "immorality," "fornication," "adulteries," "whoredom," "lewdness" or "sexual sins."
Nowhere does it actually mention the Vatican (I mean, how could it, seeing as when it was written). But what's a good Bible reading without some (if you'll pardon the expression) liberal interpretation?
Alamo also says that the Vatican wants to move from Rome to Jerusalem. Going back to last week's column about the KKK guy, you'd have to say that Jerusalem makes more sense than Indiana.
The flier also explains how Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by Jesuits acting under orders from the Vatican. It's weird how all those hundreds of books written about President Lincoln hardly ever mention the Jesuits.
But then comes the biggie: President John F. Kennedy was also killed by the Vatican. Many people in my parents' generation were afraid that JFK was going to take orders from the Vatican. Apparently, he refused to and they sent in the Jesuits.
When it comes to the assassination of President Kennedy, I've always ascribed to the explanation provided by the funk/soul group Was (Not Was) in the song "11 MPH":
JFK told Khrushchev, 'I'll leave Castro alone.'
Just take away those missiles; they're too damn close to home.
The CIA, the Cubans, and the Underworld bosses
Decided that was it, they had to cut their losses ... at 11 miles an hour ...
The reason this stuff isn't common knowledge is that the official investigation was conducted by Chief Justice Earl Warren, who Alamo claims was "a member of the Vatican's secretive Knights of Columbus."
Yeah, except that Warren, the son of Scandinavian immigrants, was a Methodist. Unless, of course, he was a double-secret member of the Knights of Columbus.