· Monday: Went to the sneak preview of the new Harry Potter movie. I got to the El Con theater around 3:15 p.m., and there were already people waiting in line for the 6:30 show. (Blessedly, El Con management was allowing them to wait in line indoors.)
By 5, the line was in the hundreds. Then these people walked in, wearing all black. This one guy had a black sport coat over a black turtleneck, with black pants, shoes, socks and a fedora. He looked like the guy who drove the big black car in Bowfinger. (That's an obscure reference, but it's perfect. Besides, if you haven't seen Bowfinger, shame on you.)
The People in Black were there to see to it that no one took any type of recording device (including cell phones) into the theaters. What a delightful idea.
The week before, my kids and I had gone to see Knocked Up at a late-night show at the Foothills. Sitting right in front of us were three kids that couldn't have been more than 15, which means they shouldn't have been out and shouldn't have been in that theater. Before the movie started, we had to sit through 15 commercials (which still gripes my butt every time), including at least two asking people to wean themselves from their phones for the next 90 minutes.
The movie started, and this one kid kept flipping his phone open to text every couple of minutes. He was not talking, but the light was bright and distracting. I paid $9 to see a movie, not to watch Little Bitch Boy communicate with some other little bitch boy, probably in a different part of the theater.
Finally, I leaned forward and said, "Dude, put your phone away."
He looked back and said, "I'm not talking to anyone. Besides, it's my phone."
I said, "How'd you like your phone in suppository form?"
To his credit, the guy's buddy actually got the joke and explained it to his bitch friend. The kid made one last attempt at bravado and said, "That's against the law."
I replied, "Ain't a jury in the world that would convict me. Besides, unless you've got bad-ass sphincter muscles, you ain't callin' 911."
The kid moved far away, to another part of the theater, and continued texting, apparently not understanding that he, too, paid $9 to see a movie. Why not just watch it?
Anyway, the People in Black got up at the front of the theater before the Harry Potter movie started and explained that they were staying in the theater. They said if somebody so much as opened up a phone, that person would be escorted from the theater.
The theater stayed blissfully dark throughout the screening. It was way cool.
· Tuesday: Went to play afternoon golf with my son, Alexander, and his knucklehead friend, Alan. We went to Silverbell, where we got a cart and nine holes for $14. Such a deal. I stink at golf, and my son and his buddy are just learning. Balls were flying everywhere. If you can handle the heat, I highly recommend taking advantage of the summer deals at courses all over town, including the resorts. Six months from now, you'll pay 10 times as much and won't feel nearly as brave.
· Wednesday: Went to the Best of Tucson (trademark) staff meeting, where I saw some old friends. James Reel, who is the boss jock of classical music on KUAT, was there. I had seen him a couple of weeks earlier at his station when I went in to read one of my columns on the air. (Don't ask.)
Anyway, James' studio, deep in the bowels of the Modern Languages Building at the UA, has a vault-like door that can only be opened by punching a pass code into a keypad. What the hell?! Are terrorists going to break in to steal his Saint-Saëns collection? I mean, classical music fans are nuts, but are they going to storm the pace and kick his ass because he mispronounced Shostakovich?
(The correct pronunciation has the accent on the I-really-don't-give-a-damn.)
Barbara Kingsolver, who worked on the very first Best of Tucson (trademark), recently wrote another book, this one about how she abused her kids by making them move back east and eat healthy, homegrown food for a year. Money makes people crazy.
· Thursday: Took my son to his dentist's appointment, in case they needed to do work on him. While sitting in the waiting room, I noticed a stand with some brochures on it for dental-hygiene products that have spinning brushes. Then I noticed that the brand name was Rota-Dent.
Why would somebody name a company that if there was even the chance that one out of 100 people would read it as "Rot-a-Dent?"
· Thursday night: Went to see Transformers with Alexander. We were sitting there waiting for the movie to start when this 20-something guy wearing a Transformers T-shirt walked in with a young woman.
Yes, a Transformers T-shirt and a girl. I wanted to ask if maybe it was his sister, but they were holding hands, and that would mean that they had driven all the way from Colorado City to see the movie, so I just let it go.