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It's time to eat a hamburger to protest 'Anti-McDonald's Day'

I haven't had a hamburger in nearly 2 1/2 years. That streak may come to an end in a couple of days. And if it does, it won't be because I'm particularly hungry for a hamburger, but rather as a display of my utter revilement of The Dumbest Protest of All Time.

Please, don't think that, by not eating a hamburger, I'm one of the pretentious weenies who's taking some faux ethical stand. I pretty much despise people who ascribe to themselves some sort of moral superiority by denying 20,000 years of human development and following a fad diet, the only known benefit of which is to allow the grazer to fit in with all of the other sunken eyes at a Grateful Dead concert.

And it's not like I just blindly follow the eating patterns that have been in effect for all humanity since before people were eating Goat McNuggets in ancient Sumeria.

I did my research and found that most scientists believe that eating protein-rich meat is what got humans on the evolutionary fast track to begin with.

Eating meat made man bigger, faster and stronger, and, most importantly, by facilitating complex chemical reactions in the brain, it helped make our ancient ancestors much smarter, as well.

Now, if you don't want to be bigger, faster and stronger (and by the looks of most vegans I know, they don't), then don't eat meat. But if you don't want to be smarter, then shame on you. It's our responsibility to be as smart as we can be.

I even went the extra mile to make sure I was right. To every cow I've ever come across in my entire life, I've said, "Listen, if you'd rather not become a hamburger some day, please tell me." Not one of those suckers has ever said a word. And don't give me the argument that we're the same as our fellow animals. Animals eat each other all the time. The only difference between a jackal and us is that the jackal doesn't deep-fry his meal before consumption.

Anyway, when I decided to lose weight a couple of years ago, I told myself that I wouldn't have a hamburger (or pizza or ice cream) until I reached a certain weight level. I've come close to it a couple times, but I haven't gotten all the way there. And since I'm a man of my word (even to myself), I've denied myself the pleasure. It's really not that impressive. If I'd had the nerve to include fried chicken and tortilla chips on that list, I probably would've ran right past my goal, approaching Pee Wee Herman-dom as a limit.

But now comes something that is more important that my petty self-concerns: I have been informed that Saturday (Oct. 16) has been designated by a loose connection of nutbirds as "Worldwide Anti-McDonald's Day." No, that doesn't mean that Sunday will be "Anti-Pizza Hut Day," followed by "Anti-Subway Day" on Monday, on down to "Anti-Jamba Juice Day" sometime in mid-December. This is a one-shot deal. According to the press release, Worldwide Anti-McDonald's Day is a protest against, among other things, "the promotion of junk food, the unethical targeting of children, exploitation of workers, and the global domination of corporations over our lives."

What a load of butt phlegm. Junk food will go away when people stop eating it. Some might see it as a matter of the chicken and the egg, but since you can make fast food with both of those items, it's more a matter of the chicken and the egg.

You want kids not to eat junk food? Be a parent and handle your damn bidness. Just remember that you're in charge of your kids, not everybody else's.

You don't want to be an exploited worker? Go to school and pay attention in class. Don't sit in the back of the room, using a pen to draw tattoos on your knuckles. I think something like one in every four McDonald's workers has self-inflicted tattoos.

The sentence that really caught my eye was, "Join us for a free vegan lunch outside the Tucson McDonald's that may have been burned by the ELF." It amazes me that a group of our moral superiors would burn a building to the ground and endanger lives because ... why? Because fries come with that shake?

Actually, it is somewhat impressive if those people did burn that building down. Just imagine how many vegans it would take to strike a match! Of course, since gasoline was used as an accelerant, there is the matter of hypocrisy. All fossil fuels can be traced back to the decomposition of plants and animals that were alive only a few million years ago, and oh, the inhumanity!

I'll be there on Saturday. Of course, if they really are cooking vegan crap out front, I'll have to pass through the Broccoli Barrier. I'll probably wuss out on the hamburger thing, but I'll at least get a Filet-o-Fish. And when I walk out, you'll be able to recognize me. I'll be the one who, unlike y'all, is happy to be alive and decidedly unwilling to force my food choices on others.

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