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Blue Sewage 

The controversy over the public art installation along Mountain Avenue at Glenn Street and Fort Lowell Road has raged on for months now. (For more on this, turn to Page 22.) And now, a decision has been made: The sculptures will soon be removed and will get installed elsewhere--or be destroyed. Throughout the entire debacle, however, the key players in the debate--the sculptures themselves--have been ignored. But not anymore. The Weekly chatted with "Splash," the sculpture at Mountain and Glenn last week during an exclusive interview. Here's what the much-maligned work of art had to say.

So, all things considered, how are you doing?

Honestly? Pretty shitty.

Shitty! Ha ha! Good one!

(Sighs.) You think I am joking right now? That's cold, man. My very existence is in jeopardy, and you think I meant that as a friggin' joke? Dude!

I am sorry. I did think you meant it as a joke. I mean, it's obvious. It's like Paul Edwards claiming that he didn't realize you could be interpreted as flowing sewage when he made you.

Well, excuse my language. I am not thinking clearly right now. I am a bit distraught here. I could be destroyed! Destroyed! And don't talk smack about my dad like that.

Forgive me, but as for your dad, he must have been blind not to have seen that some would interpret you as a sewage flow.

Oh yeah, well, yo momma's so fat she's got smaller women orbiting around her.

What?!?

You insulted my daddy, so I am just showing you that payback's a bitch.

Now, calm down. In any case, the city might find you a new home. Be positive. Where would you like to be relocated?

I thought it might be appropriate for me to be placed in the Barrio Hollywood area, maybe as a commemoration of the whole sewage line mess that happened last year. It's a thought.

I don't think that's something the Barrio Hollywood folks want to commemorate. Any other ideas?

Well, most residents would agree that I'd fit right in at most government offices, seeing as most folks think our elected representatives are full of shit.

True, but I don't think the elected officials would go for that.

I don't know. I think I'd be good at a school. After all, I am sturdy, and kids could climb on top of me and hide under me. I provide a nice amount of shade. I am great for playing hide and go seek. Heck, Salpointe Catholic High School's right across the street from me. It would be an easy move. And I could learn more "yo momma" jokes there, too.

With all due respect, I think the Catholic church has dealt with enough crap lately.

Oh my. There you go with the feces jokes again. You folks at The Weekly always have your minds in the gutter, with those adult ads and your four-letter words and whatnot. And if you say ONE thing about my "in the gutter" remark, I am gonna burst a pipe.

I am sorry. I didn't mean ...

Seriously, though, how do you think it feels to be so universally hated? I might as well be Saddam Hussein. People drive by, laughing and pointing. The newspaper reporters write mean and awful things. Dogs are always walking by, "marking" me as their "territory" as if I were just a big fire hydrant. And the neighborhood residents, they all hate me. If I weren't bolted down, I'd leap into traffic and end it all right now.

Actually, all of them don't hate you. About a third of them voted to keep you.

Really?

Yeah! People called you "beautiful" and even "delightful."

Oh, that's nice. I didn't know that. That makes me feel a little better.

See? It could be worse. So chin up.

Too bad I don't have a chin. Anyway, I am sorry for being so snappy. I've just been feeling a little blue lately.

Actually, I think the problem in the minds of the neighborhood is that you aren't blue enough.

I am sorry. Beg your pardon?

Oh, um, never mind. Best of luck finding a new home.

Thanks. I certainly am gonna need it.

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