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All Worked Up 

The only thing more lame than 'The Da Vinci Code' is the hubbub surrounding it

A priest dies a few years in the future, and meets up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Priest: Hey, St. Peter. I'm all ready to come on in there and party down!

St. Peter: Well, I can see you're a priest, because you're wearing one of those nifty collar things. That's automatic admission ... come on in!

Priest: Yes!

St. Peter: (Scans his notes) Oh, no ... wait a minute! Says here that you were one of the silly folks getting people all upset about that stupid movie, The Da Vinci Code.

Priest: Why, yes, of course. It was sacrilege.

St. Peter: Oh, come on! With all the nasty stuff we conjured up for you during that time--the war in Iraq, terrorism, Michael Moore's face--you get people worked up about some movie by the guy who narrated Arrested Development?

Priest: Well, I felt it was my duty as a soldier of God, and ...

St. Peter: It's just a freaking movie! God created those things as simple diversion, as a means of entertainment. Not for you to get all pissy about at Sunday Mass.

Priest: But all of that speculation about Jesus having a wife, it's ...

St. Peter: (Finishing the priest's sentence) ... pure speculation! And that's something that God allows amongst the human species. You all have the ability to speculate, fornicate, postulate, hyphenate ...

Priest: OK, I get the point!

St. Peter: Oh no, I don't think you do, mister. I'm looking in my notes here, and I don't see any specific remarks about any aspect of the film.

Priest: Well ... actually ... I didn't see it.

St. Peter: Oh man ... I hate that! So you got everybody all worked up about something you claim to be sinful, while not even seeing the film?

Priest: Errr ... well, yeah.

St. Peter: Well, let me tell you something: I saw that movie, and it sucked! It was far too wordy. The story failed to grab me on any level, and Tom Hanks was definitely not on his game. As for Audrey Tautou, she exhibited none of the charm that she showed in Amélie. All of the so-called "big revelations" were presented in a rather stiff way by director Ron Howard, and the film often fell flat on its face when it was supposed to be exciting.

Priest: Well ... look, I'm sorry. Can I come in now?

St. Peter: I'm not finished! The dullness of this movie was such a surprise, because Hanks and Ron Howard had worked so well together before in that space-capsule movie. I have to honestly say, I even liked that goofy movie Howard did about aliens better than this one. You know, the one with the oatmeal guy and Miss Daisy swimming in a pool with a bunch of furry rocks. What was that one?

Priest: You mean Cocoon?

St. Peter: Yeah, Cocoon! You know what, that dumb sequel, Cocoon: The Return was better than The Da Vinci Code, and both of the Cocoon movies had Steve Guttenberg in them!

Priest: You don't say? Well, looks like I got a bunch of people all worked up over a big nothing. I've learned my lesson. Now how about a free pass?

St. Peter: Nope ... word just came down from the G-man. We're sending you back as a movie critic for an alternative newsweekly, and you'll be subject to that position's salary.

Priest: Oh my lord ... NOOOOOOOOOO!

St. Peter: Now get the heck out of here! Jesus is just about to start tonight's double feature on his super hi-def. The Last Temptation of Christ and Monty Python's Life of Brian. He gets a kick out of those.

Priest: (Feigning enthusiasm) Oh wow, yeah. John Cleese was hilarious as the soldier. And Eric Idle's song had me laughing up a ...

St. Peter: Nope. It's too late for brown nosing. Now get back down to Earth. You've got a 12:45 p.m. screening of Ocean's 18 to catch.

Priest: Oh ... rat farts!

More by Bob Grimm

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