My favorite scene in "Blue Valentine" is the one where Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are totally, like, in love, and they make the goo-goo eyes at each other. But then there's an EDIT and they're all jaded, and going through the motions. But then EDIT and they're macking face like there's no tomorrow, just sluuurrrrrp on each other's lips and genitalia. But then EDIT and they're having the lamest, worst-lubricated "sad sex" this side of Sean Hannity's marriage. But then EDIT and they're full of hopes and dreams and youth and passion! But then EDIT and they're full of ennui and despair! And then EDIT and they're hot! And then EDIT and they're not! And then EDIT and they're full of snot! And then EDIT and you're all, like, no way!
The problem with Harry Potter 7a is that they spend all that time coddling the dying Vladimir Putin elf. That thing is ugly and they should have thrown a party after it died. "Yay! The ugly-ass thing is finally gone!" By contrast, they spent all of 2 seconds on the death of Hedwig the Angry Owl. I wasn't even sure it was dead, I thought maybe it just got zapped. But apparently there wasn't time to, you know, have two characters say, "Aw man, that owl is gone, I'm gonna miss his little beak." Because who gives a crap about a bird -- but let's all cry over Vladimir Putin in elf form?! WTF!!!
Your extended metaphor should be in 3-D: "We're talking slow like a depressed sloth after consuming a bottle of Jack Daniels shortly after hearing that he's lost his job following the death of the family dog."
Okay, well first of all, I want to know how a sloth got a bottle of Jack Daniels. Was he asked for his ID at the liquor store, and if so, do sloths have pockets? Also, what kind of job would a sloth have and then lose? Tantric massage? And what's this about a sloth having a dog as a pet? That makes as much sense as an armadillo having a pet ocelot.
Sorry, but maybe you should have gone the molasses in January route. Oh yeah, you're in Tucson. How about "as slow as a flat-tired bike ride to Bisbee" or some crap like that? "As slow as walking backwards up Mt. Lemon"? "As slow as road construction on Speedway"? I don't know, but jeez man.
I once sat through a movie at the Loft, and during exciting scenes there was a tingle under my rump. I was very impressed that the Loft went to all the trouble to install electronic devices in its seats, which give you an electrifying sensation that heightens the cinematic experience. I made sure to talk to the theater manager afterward, praising her for such ambitious efforts. She told me the Loft does not have any special devices in its seats. So I went home and pulled down my pants, and it turned out there was a little man with a cattle prod, living in my underwear. I told him he can stay in my underwear as long as he prods me on a regular basis. It's a good relationship and now I am never late for work. Also, the ladies love me -- I am getting more action than ever....THANKS LITTLE MAN!
Quick response to sparo, who wrote, "I wonder if he drove his car into that crowd whether people would be opining as to who sold him that car and whether there should be mental health screens to purchase cars." I think it's interesting you use this example, because getting a driver's license actually does require a much higher level of scrutiny and testing than obtaining a handgun. I think you have made the opposite point you were trying to make.
I am amazed so many people posted here, a few even stopping to say "Bad Bongo!" because I corrected an error. To be honest I have never seen so many people on the Tucson Weekly site before. Where are all you people the rest of the time? Sorry to have been glib in mentioning the "pouring/poring" thing, but it's a pet peeve and, to be fair, the corrected version is a better read. If you're a writer and you're trying to communicate something important, the last thing you want is for readers to get momentarily tripped up on a misspelling. So there's that. But yeah, there are also more important things.
There's a whiff of "loser" about this guy.
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