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Old Man, New Tricks

East Sterling Canyon Drive, Corona De Tucson, Sept. 14, 12:09 p.m.

An 11-year-old boy walking home from school had his bicycle severely damaged by an irate elderly golfer, said a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

The boy said he was walking his bicycle along the cart path of the Corona de Tucson golf course when a white-haired gentleman, approximately 70 years old, approached him with a golf club and told him to "get out of there," because he didn't belong there. Then the man came closer and grabbed the boy's bike. He placed a hand on each of the bike's handlebars and pushed down with all his weight, bending the handlebars 90 degrees compared to their original position.

The golfer then returned the bike to the boy and demanded he leave the premises. The boy reported that he had been very scared, because at one point, the man had raised his golf club in the air.

The boy promised the responding officer that if he saw this particular senior citizen again and felt threatened, he would abandon his bicycle and run away.


Tagging Dirty

First Avenue, Sept. 14, 8:48 a.m.

A female chiropractor came to work to find detailed and vulgar graffiti written outside her office, according to a PCSD report.

The reporting officer said he met the woman at her place of business to inspect the damage. On the sign outside the office announcing the name of the business, someone had used a permanent marker to announce: "This is a no-panties zone."

Directly across from the office on the sidewalk area, the same marker had apparently been used to write a short, first-person narrative beginning, "I guess it is true I love taking my clothes off ..." and concluding with an unclear statement about the "biggest cock" being guided "ever so intensely right into my mouth."

The third instance of graffiti, seemingly written by the same person, was much more extensive and explicit. Too grammatically erroneous to be quite understandable, the handwritten paragraph detailed various sexual acts involving a security guard, a daughter's friend, a next-door neighbor and a lot of spanking and sucking of genitalia. "Aint no lie she suck excennt," the passage concluded.

The person who reported the crime was very disturbed and said she had absolutely no idea who would do something like this. No witnesses came forward.

More by Anna Mirocha

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