Just Plain Dumb

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Oro Valley is the Place to be During a Zombie Apocalypse, Apparently

Posted By on Thu, Oct 29, 2015 at 2:58 PM

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Did you, like me, naively think that we had exhausted the zombie apocalypse genre for a while? Apparently not.

Just in time for Halloween, a real estate company (seems like the obvious choice?) has released a list of the communities from each state best suited to survive an attack of these flesh-munching monsters. 

Oro Valley ranks in the middle of the list nationally, but as the safest place in Arizona. 

MSN lays it out:
To assess the zombie-readiness of each place, they judged each city by a combination of three factors: resources, defense, and demographics. The higher the overall score, the better equipped the region is to survive.

The cities that scored highly in the resources category were those with lots of hardware stores, sources of water, grocery stores or crop farms.

Your first instinct when faced with the possibility of total human destruction may be to just run, armed with whatever you may have picked up, with no particular destination in mind. But keep in mind that fighting off the undead is half the battle of surviving a zombie apocalypse—the other is making sure you have enough resources to keep yourself alive. Without a source of water, access to food (whether it’s canned or grown), and tools to create or reinforce a shelter, you might as well offer up your brains on a platter. With these metrics in mind, the Midwest, Pacific Northwest are the best places to build your zombie-proof home.

If you want to make sure you can defend yourself, areas with access to guns, ammunition manufacturing and military bases are the best places to go.

Luckily, areas with high concentrations of gun stores and ammunition manufacturing are scattered all throughout the country (especially in Nevada). If you weren’t a fan of the Second Amendment before, all it takes is an army of frenzied zombies to make you a convert.

Finally, towns with low population density and predominantly young, educated populations were deemed fit to adapt best to such an apocalyptic event.
I'm personally not sure how Oro Valley is pulling out ahead in any competition that favors a "predominantly young" population. Still, if the next guy you match with on Tinder seems a little too into your brains, head north. 


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Thursday, October 22, 2015

Ally Miller, Constitutional Scholar

Posted By on Thu, Oct 22, 2015 at 5:00 PM

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Pima County Supervisor Ally Miller has taken to Facebook to express her criticism of the idea that some Republicans are concerned that real estate tycoon Trump is hurting the GOP's chances of retaking the White House.

Miller posed a simple question: "Again...doesn't the constitution read: "of the people, By the people, for the people."

Is this a trick question?

Guess somebody didn't watch enough Schoolhouse Rock as a kid. No worries, Ally: The world will little note, nor long remember, what you say on Facebook.

Monday, August 24, 2015

A Drunken Talk Show and Unfortunate Booze

Posted By on Mon, Aug 24, 2015 at 10:11 AM


Many months ago I (naively, foolishly, ridiculously) agreed to be on an episode of Specials with Lex. The YouTube talk show, which just released its fourth episode, comes in half hour episodes wherein everybody melts into a drunk goddamn mess. 

Lex is very cool, local guy (you might/should know him as Oddkinn) and the specials are a throwback to his days at the District—a shot of Old Crow whiskey and a Miller High Life. It's, uh, hard to stomach. 

As you can see above, just as soon as we got the camera rolling, I make a crucial mistake and end up doing double shots all night long. (Did Lex make me do that? No. Is Drunk Chelo too cocky to back down? Apparently so.)

The video embedded above is part one of three—also known as the only part where I manage to speak like an adult human and not the world's most absurd (and, well, inebriated) teletubbie. If you're so inclined, you can watch the next two parts of our episode. If you make it through part three, you can see the world's most thorough re-enactment of the Usual Suspects. 

Continue reading »

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Friday, May 29, 2015

The Loft Cinema Forced to Pull Team America from July 4th Event

Posted By on Fri, May 29, 2015 at 10:30 AM


Back in December the country was ablaze with the news from Sony Pictures that Seth Rogen and James Franco's North Korean comedy The Interview would no longer be allowed to screen due to terrorist threats surrounding the movie's release. Around that time The Loft Cinema was planning their annual fourth of July movie sing-a-long bash featuring Paramount's Team America: World Police.

However, it seems the nonexistent backlash of The Interview has Paramount spooked and they've decided to not allow The Loft Cinema to screen the movie for their event. In a statement released online on Thursday, May 28, the theatre explains that, despite several attempts to get a response from Paramount, the company "seems to be stuck in the hysteria of mid-December 2014."

Are we angry that an apparently dead issue is blocking our ability to celebrate America’s birthday? Yes!

Are we miffed that we’re being denied the ability to show this ridiculous little puppet movie for the 10th year in a row? You betcha!

Are we irritated that our annual potty-mouthed celebration of FREE F***IN’ SPEECH is being silenced? Yeppers!

Are we going to sit back and do nothing about it? Hell no!

You can expect an announcement of a replacement program soon. It won’t be Team America, but it will be patriotic, it will involve singing, and it will be FUN. May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America. 
What musical do you think the Loft should play in lieu of Team America to celebrate the fourth of July?

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Friday, April 10, 2015

Samantha Bee Tells Arizona to Get its Shit Together When it Comes to Rapists and Custody

Posted By on Fri, Apr 10, 2015 at 11:00 AM


Okay, well, not just Arizona.  But we are behind Florida (FLORIDA) on this one.

Turns out, in some states (including ours) women who have a child as the result of rape have a rough time winning full custody of their children. As the Daily Show's Samantha Bee puts it, if you have a child as a result of rape you might have to meet your rapist in a Denny's parking lot every Saturday to hand off your child. To your rapist. That's not okay.

From Jezebel:
You’d think legislation to guarantee women who have been raped full custody of the children born of those rapes would be pretty easy to pass right? Well, as Samantha Bee learned on The Daily Show Wednesday night, not so much.

Bee spoke with Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Shauna Prewitt, an advocate for women to have the right to full custody of their children without going through a legal battle for them, an issue some states have prevented but a startlingly large number of others have not. Wasserman Schultz’s Rape Survivor Child Custody Act had bipartisan support, but as Bee frustratingly found out, the original bill didn’t pass because it “actually spends money” — $5 million a year for five years, to be specific.

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Where are my emotional support baby chickens?

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Monday, December 1, 2014

Going Out the Way I Came In: Muppet Videos

Posted By on Mon, Dec 1, 2014 at 12:30 PM


I'm crossing my fingers that Insane Clown Posse do something interesting in the next three days so I can really pay tribute to my Range-muses, but in the meantime, it only seems right that someone posted a Muppets vs. 90's-hip-hop video mashup on YouTube yesterday, so I could have something to post. Thanks, internet!

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Tuesday, October 7, 2014

You Were Wondering Who Same Sex Marriage Hurts? This Woman, That's Who

Posted By on Tue, Oct 7, 2014 at 10:39 AM

Image courtesy of Shutterstock
  • Image courtesy of Shutterstock

Monday's choice by the Supreme Court's to decline to hear several cases regarding same-sex marriage didn't mean same-sex couples now have a constitutional right to marry, but it did mean that in 30 states, same-sex couples can marry, either by the state's decision or through this Supreme Court non-ruling.

So, of course, people ARE FREAKING OUT about how the gays are going to ruin all the straight marriages, human sacrifices, dogs and cats are going to live together, mass hysteria, basically.

Hat tip to The Stranger's David Schmader for finding the saddest story ever, an op-ed reprinted by the Deseret News from Janna Darnelle, a Utah woman who had her life ripped apart and who won't stand for this tragedy to be repeated:

Every time a new state redefines marriage, the news is full of happy stories of gay and lesbian couples and their new families. But behind those big smiles and sunny photographs are other, more painful stories. These are left to secret, dark places. They are suppressed, and those who would tell them are silenced in the name of “marriage equality.”

But I refuse to be silent.

I represent one of those real-life stories that are kept in the shadows. I have personally felt the pain and devastation wrought by the propaganda that destroys natural families.

The sad part: Darnelle's husband left her in 2007 after ten years of marriage, announcing he is gay. Totally fair that Darnelle and her two children were devastated by that news. She certainly had expectations for how her life was going to be and this interruption was surely awful. Darnelle, unfortunately seems to believe that her husband woke up one day and decided to be gay, which is unlikely, but let's give her the fact that the "marriage" part of her life has been rough.

However, then the editorial gets a little unhinged:

USA Today did a photo journal shoot on my ex and his partner, my children, and even the grandparents. I was not notified that this was taking place, nor was I given a voice to object to our children being used as props to promote same-sex marriage in the media...

After our children’s pictures were publicized, a flood of comments and posts appeared. Commenters exclaimed at how beautiful this gay family was and congratulated my ex-husband and his new partner on the family that they “created.” But there is a significant person missing from those pictures: the mother and abandoned wife. That “gay family” could not exist without me.

There is not one gay family that exists in this world that was created naturally.

They took photos of her children STANDING NEXT TO GAYS. THE INJUSTICE.

Of course, it gets even worse for these kids as they've been absorbed in the Nightmarish Gay Underworld:

My children are brought to gay parties where they are the only children and where only alcoholic beverages are served. They are taken to transgender baseball games, gay rights fundraisers and LGBT film festivals...My son is now a maturing teen, and he is very interested in girls. But how will he learn how to deal with that interest when he is surrounded by men who seek sexual gratification from other men? How will he learn to treat girls with care and respect when his father has rejected them and devalues them?...

My daughter suffers too. She needs a dad who will encourage her to embrace her femininity and beauty, but these qualities are parodied and distorted in her father's world. Her dad wears makeup and sex bondage straps for Halloween. She is often exposed to men dressing as women...What is my little girl to believe about her own femininity and beauty? Her father should be protecting her sexuality. Instead, he is warping it.

The son? clearly going to end up gay as well. The daughter? Who even knows? Clearly, because of the rainbow-colored hellscape this woman is dealing with, we need to shut down gay marriage. And possibly ban bondage straps.

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Monday, September 15, 2014

The Power of Social Media Is Giving Us a Soda Back We Didn't Want

Posted By on Mon, Sep 15, 2014 at 4:00 PM

While social media campaigns didn't capture Kony or bring back the girls of the Chibok boarding school, at least Facebook Nation can claim one victory, convincing a giant corporation to sell a soda you probably forgot about in a very limited manner:

Coca-Cola Co. newest social-media campaign reaches back to a time when even MySpace didn’t exist.

Surge, a citrus-flavored Mountain Dew knockoff that was discontinued by Coke about 12 years ago, has reappeared in limited supply today. The only place to get it: Amazon.com.

Billed as the company’s first ever e-commerce reintroduction, the news was announced by the Facebook Fan site “Surge Movement,” whose 128,000 members lobbied for its return and paid for a billboard in Atlanta. Coke gave the drink a Twitter account, too, so loyalists can “follow the brand’s journey.”

“Surge is back,” the Facebook page’s organizers said, urging readers to buy and spread the word. “The Movement does not end here!”

If you're interested, Amazon is selling 12 16-ounce cans for $14, but it appears they're out already, which makes me worry about humanity a bit.

Personally, I'd be far more excited to get my hands on some OK Soda, which reflected the ironic ennui of my 90's experience more than the aggro Dew-like aesthetic of Surge, but hey, I might be a Facebook group and 127,999 like-minded nostalgists away from making my retro-dreams come true.

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