Monday, February 4, 2013

Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker Saves the Day (NSFW)

Posted By on Mon, Feb 4, 2013 at 3:15 PM

Following a bizarre, alleged attempted murder in Fresno, Calif., courage has a new face: framed by unkempt hair and wielding a hatchet.

When “Kai” hitched a ride with 54-year-old Jett Simmons McBride, he was forced into defense-mode when McBride struck a Pacific Gas and Electric Worker with his car and proceeded to smother a woman who rushed to the man’s aid. Responding like any good Samaritan would, Kai leapt from the car and promptly struck the man over the head with the hatchet, disabling McBride and allowing him to be taken into custody.

Like all great superheroes in-the-making, the mysterious Kai has anonymity going for him. When asked for his last name, Kai replied, “No, bro, I don’t have anything.” Questioning his age drew a similarly ambiguous answer: “I can’t call it.”

This was hardly Kai’s first brush with vigilantism. He detailed to the reporter an encounter with another man beating a woman, that occurred (quite poetically) in an orchard. Kai said he sustained teeth marks on his hand, graciously shoving said hand into the viewfinder for proof, when he “walked over and started smashing (the man) in the head” to stop the beating. Someone get this man a job at a women’s shelter, because I’m detecting a pattern here.

And, like any other self-respecting homeless kid “straight outta Dogtown,” Kai of course had to liken his near-brush with injury and simultaneous thrust into heroism to an epic surf-fest: “Holy shit, that was like the biggest wave I’ve ever ridden in my life.”

This whole incident is begging for a meme series where Kai Hatchet-Smashes villains throughout history. Kim Jung Il? SMASH. Attila the Hun? SMASH. Muammar al-Gaddafi? Consider yourself SUH-MASHED. In terms of putting things into perspective in the grand scheme of good vs. evil, Kai nails it with the comment, “Bro, if you’re fucking Jesus Christ then I’ll be the Antichrist...fuck that shit.” Lesson learned: next time you witness someone doing something reprehensible in the name of religion, please step up, Devil friends.

Between Kai’s peace-sign printed bandanna, apparent brute strength and endearing pronunciation of police (“poly-sees”), I can’t see anything holding this kid back in life, especially when he spews wisdom like this: “Before I say anything else, I wanna say no matter what you done, you deserve respect. Even if you make mistakes, you lovable, and it doesn’t matter your looks, skills, your age, your size, or anything, you’re worthwhile. No one can ever take that away from you.” Brought a tear to my eye, Kai.

View the KMPH Fox 26 news report of the incident here, courtesy of Mediaite, and maintain his legacy by keeping an eye out for racist Jesus-freaks so big they “can break a woman’s neck like a pencil stick!”

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