Apparently, a person searching for temporary housing on tucson.craigslist.org only needs your yard, it seems. This person, whose name was not signed at the bottom of his/her space wanted ad, appears to have come across a rather, uh, "magical" windfall, and needs your land to make his/her dreams come true.
They want to grow a beanstalk. Of the magic kind. And the ad is just too crazy to not dissect below the jump. The actual ad will be in block quotes, my comments will not. Let us begin.
[Note: Out of respect for this individual's privacy, we have not included a direct link to their ad. But c'mon, you all should be smart enough to figure it out if you want to.]
$600 Looking for a place to plant my Magic Beanstalk! (Tucson)
If there isn't a fantasy-based porn flick that starts with a want-ad like this, there should be.
I have been given some magic beanstalk seeds and I am in need of a safe 3-9 month long rental to plant them.
Apparently, the gestation period for magical legumes was somewhere between that of a pig and that of a human.
My current hoa does not allow me to plant anything (magic beanstalks aren't on their list of approved lawn ornamentation) so I'm not really looking to "move" as I already have a home I just need someplace I can plant these seeds without concern for how the landlord will react to a several thousand foot vine growing in the back yard.
Which, in this city, seems like a reasonable request. The only problem would be the rest of the neighborhood association breathing down your neck for allowing one of nature's eyesores to block their view of our magnificent sunsets. But hey, if you say that you can build student housing on it, the city'll probably be willing to give you a permit.
Since I have never grown them before nor can I say with absolute certainty how long this adventure will take me I would like to find a 3-9 month long rental but I will try to be flexible. I may even be open to staying longer than 9 months if the situation works out and you would be open to accepting golden eggs in leu of rent, otherwise I can just go home and start blogging about my adventures.
Considering that, if we assume that the average mass of a goose egg is around 165 grams (give or take 15 either way) and that the current value of 24 karat gold is about $55 a gram, each one of those damn things is going to be worth a bit more than $9,000 per solid-gold egg. In other words, you're going to want to hang onto this tenant, if he turns out to not be insane. Good luck finding a buyer for it though.
So if you're open minded (don't read that as new aged hippie but it's fine if you are)
"...though we might have 'purification ceremonies' (read: weird orgies) on the beanstalk's growing site,"
and easy going (don't read that as pot smoker although that's fine if you are but I'm not)
"...though I do enjoy the recreational use of PCP,"
and have something that you think will work out for me please let me know and we can talk logistics. I AM NOT looking for any shared living situations and you CAN NOT
Please don't say "climb on my beanstalk," please don't say "climb on my beanstalk,"
climb on my beanstalk,
those are my only two stipulations, otherwise, I'm pretty darn flexible.
"...remember, you're invited to the 'purification ceremonies.'"
Call or text me at [number redacted] so that we can talk more and I can make sure you aren't a crazy person.
Because if anyone in this equation is a crazy person, it's going to be the one offering to sublet their property to a person who claims to be in possession of magic beans for the promise of golden eggs.
Seriously though. If anyone feels like having a few hundred dollars thrown at them per month for someone to plant something that ranges between absolutely nothing and freaking huge, get your Craigslist-Search Fu on for that. Easy money, people.
Emily Stern leads a two-part creative nonfiction and cooking workshop exploring the intersections of nurturance, starvation, celebration… More